The wood chosen to represent this tenet is  Redwood – The redwood tree is the grandfather of trees.  He stands tall and straight, above all others.  He is long lived and considered wise.  Redwoods attain a stature unparrelled by any other living thing.  They have earned a place in our lore by virtue of their longevity and stature. 

The symbol for this tenet is the Eagle – A universal symbol of leadership.  The eagle soars high where he can oversee his domain and easily swoop low to the ground to gather what he needs.  Like the redwood the eagle has become iconic.

There are at least two ways to view this tenet.  One is the militaristic notion of following the chain of command.  Do what you are told and only what you are told.  Don’t question authority.  Follow your orders.  Anyone who knows me knows I do not prescribe to this interpretation and in MDI we have moved away from the “doing as you are told” model and it is no longer acceptable to do something solely because this is how it has always been done.

For any entity to survive there needs to be some semblance of order, there does not, however, need to be blind unquestioning devotion.  If there were, you’d have a cult.  Here are some definitions:

Earn – to acquire through service

Honor – to respect greatly and hold in high esteem.

Rank – a series of things in a line; a degree of dignity, eminence.

These definitions allow us to embrace another way to look at this tenet.

Find your place in the legacy of men.

Each of us is part of a legacy.  There are men who have come before us and there will be those who come after. Where do we fit it in?  Will you be remembered as someone who gave or someone who took?  Earn your place in MDI by virtue of your way of being, you accountability, integrity and passion.  And here is the important part:  honor that rank by continuing to adhere to those things once you have been placed in apposition of leadership.

The honor is not what followers bestow upon you; it is what you hold in the space as a leader.  You honor your men for being good followers and watching their back.  You honor the trust they have given to you by holding it sacred and not acting for your own personal benefit but for the good of the community.  Being a leader does not mean you are entitled to anything.  To honor your title you most hold yourself to a higher standard.

Leadership is hard but the rewards are great.  Like a redwood, the longer you maintain your position they more you solidify your place on this earth.  The respect and support you have engendered from your men will pay dividends.

I have often believed that the best part of being a leader is stepping down.  If you have done your job well, you still have the mantle of respect from your mine but you are no longer looked upon as the man who needs to get the job done.  That freedom often allows me to be more effective.  Since I am not in the heat of battle I have the opportunity to bring perspective and my wisdom and experience to the process.  However, to honor my rank I need to be vigilant and provide my insight to the current leader and offer it up just as that, my opinion.  If he chooses not to follow my advice, I need to let it go.  He is deserving of the chance to learn his listens.  Things need not always go my way.  There is nothing in my mind more dishonorable than a shadow leader, like Iago in Shakespeare’s Othello.  Someone sitting at the King’s feet and forever whispering in his ear.

Simply put, having earned my seat at the table, I must respect those who came before me and honor those who will follow by leaving my seat just a little better than I found it.

In the Jungian lexicon of mature male archetypes, the Lover is often held as the great communicator, one who can effectively capture what is said and evoke empathy with the speaker and in turn communicate clearly to the masses. Lovers are often considered great Lovers not because of their sexual prowess but because of their ability to connect with their partner. Anyone who has ever had any consistent success with women will tell you it is because they are perceived (that being the operative word) as great and empathetic listener. Lovers excel because of their ability to be present and live in the now. Much like the Warrior they have become disciplined in a form of tunnel vision. They are unconcerned with what’s next and often are not connected to the bigger picture. Often Lovers who are bombarded with big picture thinking find themselves becoming withdrawn and falling into some sort of addictive behavior and allows them to get back to tunnel vision mode. Alternatively they turn to an extremist environment where the now is actually life and death. Someone jumping out of an airplane doesn’t really have the luxury of contemplating what might be for dinner.

Contrast this with the communication mastery of the mature Magician: one who is a master of the question. Magicians are rarely wedded to the now and certainly have little use for five minutes ago, let alone the distant past. Instead they are driven by the possibilities of the unknown. Their communications can often appear vague and overly optimistic. After all, their world is one of limitless possibilities. When a Magician feels weighed done by the present of saddled by the past they will usually default in either of two directions: that of the authoritarian or liars, declaring something as the absolute truth so as to shut down further conversation; or the innocent, feigning ignorance as a means of avoiding any responsibility for the immediate conversation.

So how does having access to this road map help anyone? To start, understand what type of communicator you are. Do you get more enjoyment out of providing play by play or forecasting possible results? Do you look to build consensus or identify loopholes you can exploit in the future? Keep in mind that these are not mutually exclusive tendencies. Some people are adept at moving between Lover and Magician but as with being a righty or lefty, even someone who is ambidextrous will have a dominant side.

Once your know your “side” and have sufficiently embraced it – by that I mean if it is in you nature to be empathetic don’t try to kill that part of you by attempting to become exploitive; conversely, if you are adept at problem solving, sitting around a campfire singing Kumbayah is properly not high on your to do list, so don’t beat yourself up for being cold and calculating – look at the demands of your immediate situation and ask yourself, “am I the best person to take this on?”. For example: placating an angry mob is no place for a Magician – which is probably why so many “witches” wound up being burnt at the stake; their inability to tap into the emotion of the mob and comfort it by saying the right thing – regardless of whether or not they believed any of it – lead to their demise. On the other hand, the geeks we remember from our childhood have often gone off to be ridiculously successful because they were able to reject the comfort of belonging and trade it in for the possibilities that come from exploiting the inefficiencies in the system. In short, Lovers see the good in the moment and can harness it to move forward while Magicians see the possibility that comes from identifying what’s wrong and figuring out how to exploit the inefficiency.

A really simplistic example of this is the whole Tea Party movement. They have identified what’s wrong – big government – but their solution is fairly simplistic – less government. I submit there are probably very few, if any, Magician communicators or thinkers in the Tea Party. Magicians are the guys on Wall Street, the folks who created derivatives and hedges funds to exploit the inefficiencies in the market. They were less concerned with repair and more concerned with positioning themselves for the next wave.

So before I get too political, I’ll call it quits for now and will try to grapple with where my style fits in on this spectrum. Next time I will address how to actually apply one of these styles as a tool in effective leadership.

Now I know that sounds curious, a men’s organization having its annual convention with women?
It was a delicate dance to make this work: in part because there were many men who were vehemently opposed to the notion of women entering our “sanctuary”; then there was the challenge of being committed to allowing men to feel free to be who they are without filters; as well as the challenge of taking on the responsibility for shepparding the women into our thing and setting the parameters around where they were and were not welcome without giving off the vibe that they were second class citizens.
In short it was a great opportunity to take on some real life lessons. The reality is women are a part of the world I need to operate in every day. I can’t sequester myself from them and still be effective in the world. That doesn’t mean I can’t step away now and then and recharge my batteries by being with the men. And make no mistake women can drain you, even if it is in a good way. It is no coincidence that after sex most men want to take a nap. Being with men however, is usually an adrenalin jolt. I don’t know the physiology of this but I definitely feel different physically and emotionally when I step into a circle of men or women. There is also clearly a time when men do need to be sequestered to work some stuff out. Anger is unfortunately imbedded in our DNA and passing through raw anger is usually the gateway to some real transformative emotional work. However, my experience has been women can be terrified to stand in the presence of that emotional venting and their presence can actually stifle the work that needs to be done.
Vegas however, was not that place. It was a celebration and a gathering. A place where we got to honor some men and doing so in the presence of their women makes that moment all the more powerful and I am sure helped these guys when they got back to the privacy of their hotel room.
The thing I got is all the stuff I thought I needed to do to make this work with the women was for the most part unnecessary. They got it and acted accordingly. If you set the right context most people will follow your lead and go with the program. Those who choose not to are quickly corralled by the group vibe.
So the lesson is simple: give some thought to how you want something to play out and signal it before the event. I feel most of the work is in signaling the expectations and concerns. The most dangerous tact is to just show up and see what happens. It is a recipe for disaster.

In the late 1990s some men from the Western Region (the Bay area around San Francisco) created an ark which contained 15 different pieces of wood, one for each tenet. Each stick was made of a specific type of wood and bore a specific design that reflected the way in which the men of the Western Region related to the tenets of the Code of Honor. The ark has since made its way throughout North America and men throughout MDI have had the opportunity to connect with it. I had the opportunity to safe guard it for a while and was moved to write a little about my relationship to each tenet. What follows is the treatise that was created as a companion piece to the ark.

Fight Only Honorable Battles

The wood representing this tenet is Laurel Bay – The leaves of the laurel tree were used to make laurel wreaths that the Romans used to decorate their men of honor.  Upon returning from great conquests warriors were sent off to rest on their laurels and to take in the gifts of gratitude bestowed upon them from a thankful community.

The symbol that reflects this tenet is s Spear and shield.  These symbols of hand-to-hand combat reflect the purest form of combat.  Hand to hand combat is considered the most honorable way to engage in battle because it requires combatants to come face to face and to depend on their individual skill and resolve rather than the quality or power of synthetic weapons.  Often the victor in hand-to-hand combat is the man who wants it the most.  The man who in his heart believes he has the most to fight for.  Whose battle is the most honorable.

For many, the definition of battle is an armed engagement, a war.  But a lesser definition defines battle as a conflict, a struggle.  For example the conflicts and struggles we fight everyday with the demons and fears that lurk deep inside each of us.

Self-doubt, shame, anger.  Taking on these emotions are the honorable battles we can fight each and every day.  The honor lies in acknowledging these opponents, bringing them into the light and taking them on no matter how ugly it looks.  The battle becomes honorable when you turn to other and ask for their help. Chances are that if you find yourself fighting a battle alone, it is because you are fighting to protect your ego or some personal agenda.  By fighting an honorable battle together we strengthen our relationships and build a foundation for a stronger and healthier community. 

In order to live one’s life fighting only honorable battles, one must:

·         Understand what there is that’s worth fighting for

·         Understand what is not worth fighting for

·         Have enough mastery over one’s ego to never fight battles in defense of one’s ego.

Once you are able to place emotion aside, you will find it is much easier to discern whether it is a battle worth fighting.

Hippocrates offers raw food.  Not just raw food but alkaline raw food.  Fruit is off the menu.  No milk, eggs, fish, just lots of sprouts, some veggies, greens and juice.  Not fruit juice but wheat grass juice. No coffee, no salt, no sugar…….  I can see you all cringing.  I know I did going into this.  Giving up coffee was a bitch.  Giving up cooked food was no picnic either.  But I did it with the mantra that it was only for a week. I would think about that first cup of Starbuck’s at the airport on the way home.

A funny thing happened mid-week.  I actually liked the way I was feeling.  I wasn’t really missing any of the food I had given up.  I’ve been back two weeks and I am still eating raw.  I feel great.  Cut 50 points off my blood pressure and shed 15 pounds (I was not a tubby to begin with) and have lots of energy.  Am I going to do this forever, probably not but what it did for me was wake me up to how unconscious I was to what I was putting in my body.  I had dinner with some lawyers last week at Morton’s steak house of all places.  I had my salad, they gorged.  And gorge they did.  I noticed how unhealthy they looked.  There is part of me that hates that I am becoming that guy (you know the one who is acutely aware of how sickly everyone is looking) but there you have it.

I am not going to do a blog on health, you can that elsewhere from persons much well versed than me but I will comment on the human condition, that s what I do.  What blew me away at Hippo U was how once the focus on food dissolved people came face to face with their emotional shit.  Drowning your sorrows in a salad doesn’t seem to cut it.  I witnessed a number of people going through the emotional roller coaster.  I was pleasantly surprised to speak with 70 year old men wop acknowledged that in two short weeks they were talking about and revealing intimate secrets to strangers that they had never spoken about before.

I think another thing that drove the emotional catharsis for many was that there were no newspapers, no TV and none of the numbing g distractions most of us delve into daily.  Sure there were people there wedded to their laptops and blackberries but that was the minority.  For the most part people were there simply to support others in getting healthy.  It was not exactly on big love fest but it was close.  So here I sit, lighter, emotionally, physically and psychically.  We will see how long it lasts.  I am still committed to a good cigar though.  Some things never change.

 MDI is a 1000 plus men’s organization spread out through out North America.   It is an organization dedicated to fostering teams of men who inspire and empower one another to pursue and realize their passion. 

MDI does not actually mean anything.  As an organization we used to be known as Men’s Divisions International but everyone has come to a pretty quick agreement that that is a horrible name that doesn’t really speak to who we are.  So now we are just MDI – much like AT&T is just AT&T, not American Telephone and Telegraph, and IBM is just IBM, not International Business Machines.  We are just MDI

Of course, men being what they are some of our members still need that to mean something, so just think Mentor, Discover, Inspire.  Those three notions show up pretty much in everything we do.

We are not a monolithic organization. We do not follow one great, larger than life guru.  In part that has probably hampered our growth because people are quicker to follow someone with the “answer” rather than accepting the fact that the answer might be standing right next to them in the form of their next door neighbor.  Collective wisdom can be a hard sell but that is what we are about.  We share that collective wisdom through the process of mentoring.  We are less about teaching and more about sharing our personal experience.

In that environment of collective wisdom we get to discover something about ourselves.  Maybe it is what we are really great at.  Or what fuels our passion.  Maybe it’s about what is holding us back from attaining our goals or just being happy or it is the realization that we have this gift to share with others.

And of course once you’ve discovered your greatness you need to be inspired to give it away.  We do that through mentoring men to take on things bigger than themselves.  It is a nice little circle we have.

We inspire men to pursue a purpose larger than themselves – while we recognize that to be effective men must discover and confront their challenges and personal demons; we do not seek to devote our time focusing solely on the individual.

We empower men by providing them with the tools they need to succeed.  This can come in the form of weekend trainings or weekly courses, one on one mentoring or team inspections.  As an organization we believe that true wisdom comes not from a single source but from the diverse viewpoints of our community of men.

We pursue our passion by being in relationship with the men of our team who provide the inspection, feedback and support necessary to get the job done.  When we stumble our teammates are there to get us back on our feet, brush us off, and ensure we have learned the lessons from a set back before we get back into the game.

When we realize our passion we have a circle of men to celebrate with.  These men acknowledge our victories and the unique greatness we bring to the world and allow us to continue to carry our personal legacy forward to our families and communities.

In a nutshell, “We are unconditionally committed to men winning in their lives.”

As an organization we do not seek to define what winning means for an individual man or to dictate what passion a man should pursue.  Nor do we seek to erect the parameters of how that process even looks.

Our teams can be made up of men who meet via the telephone or who meet weekly, bi-weekly or monthly.  They can range in size from three men to more than twenty men.  Our youngest member is 18.  Our oldest is well into his 80s.  We cover the spectrum of ethnicity, political belief and vocation.  We have members who have been married for more than 50 years, who have been divorced, who are in long term committed relationships or have never been married.  Our members may be straight or gay; professional or working class.  The only requirements of membership are that you be a man of legal age, pay annual dues and adhere to our code of honor.

The code embodies the following tenets

•           Commitment before ego

•           Honor the truth

•           Respect confidentiality

•           Keep your word

•           Be a three dimensional

•           Be prepared

•           Defend humanity

•           Always be faithful to the men

•           Defend the code

•           Never engage in battles with weaker opponents

•           Fight only honorable battles

•           Earn and honor rank

•           Be humble

•           Embrace all men

•           Be an example to children

   All men are expected to strive to adhere to these tenets.

The success of our teams is measured by the following:

·         Are the men unconditionally supporting one another?

·         Are the men individually and collectively accountable to their word and commitments?

·         Are they engaged in pursuing something larger than any one man?

·         Are they bringing who they are and what they are about to the families, friends and communities?

Our men can be found throughout New England.  In New York, New jersey and Philadelphia and Atlanta.  We are all over California and in Toronto and Western Canada in places like Calgary, Vancouver and Victoria.  We are starting to bubble up in Chicago, Denver, Florida, Las Vegas, Seattle and Phoenix.  

 We are the men you have always sensed were there, we are there for you now.  Come join us.

You can find us on Facebook or at http://www.mensdivisionsinternational.com/854dir/

         While everyone is engaged in speculation over where Lebron James will ultimately wind up at the end of this NBA free-agent season, let me touch on a pretty basic premise that will ensure you are happy:  instead of wondering if there is something you are missing in your life, your relationship, or your job, take inventory of what you actually have.  Revel in the stuff that gives you pleasure and figure out how you are going to change things in your current situation that are making you unhappy.

Sounds rather simple, yes?  Yet most people pine away, fantasizing about how things would be so much better if only……. 

            If only I made more money

            If only my girlfriend was hotter

            If only my kids cleaned their room

The problem is, “if only” is a fantasy and it is not until you actually get to the grass on the other side that you can determine if it really is greener.  And even if it is greener, you might suddenly discover that it wasn’t even green grass you were interested in in the first place.

You make more money only to discover you still have nothing that stirs your passion.

Your girlfriend is incredibly hot but is lousy in bed.

Your kid cleans his room but the door to his immaculate bedroom is always closed and the two of you have no relationship.

So let me bring this back to basketball terms:  Lebron James is in the position to move to a new team.  The Knicks, Nets, Bulls, Heat and others will be making the pilgrimage to Akron to woo James with images of what could be if only he came on board.  He can win titles, be the king of marketing, and hang with the “in” crowd.   Of course none of them are touching on all the down sides – the need for fertilizer to get the grass green in the first place is never part of the conversation.  Fertilizer stinks, it smells.  Of course you would never know that unless you needed to spread it.  So from afar that green grass may look wonderful but upon closer examination you can weigh whether the odor of the fertilizer justifies the luster of the lawn.

So New York may be the media capital of the world but is that really a good thing if you want to go out for a run, walk your dog or just sit on your stoop and smoke a cigar?  Miami has the beaches and Brazilians in bikinis but it also has hurricanes, South American drug lords using it for their playground and a less than enthusiastic fan base.  Chicago is just a larger version of Cleveland but it will never be home.  And none of these cities come with a guarantee of success.  Neither does Cleveland but LeBron has been successful there.  And I submit it is easier to tinker with what you presently know to be working and discard that which isn’t then to start from scratch.

I am usually much more successful when I take stock in what I presently have and figure out what I need to change to make it suit me.  Apparently, I am not alone.  Warren Buffet who is one of the richest men in the world could probably call any place home.  Yet he continues to live in Omaha, Nebraska.  The Waltons have made it a ritual of requiring merchants to travel to Bentonville, Arkansas to pitch their wares for inclusion on the shelves of Wal-Mart.  Neither Omaha nor Bentonville is the epicenter of the financial or merchandising world but in both cases ego was trumped by the allure of knowing your neighbor and building from your strength.  Most world conquerors fail because they try to take a bridge that is just a bit too far.  Who knows what would have happened if Hitler was satisfied with Poland and Austria?

            Of course in taking inventory you might realize there are some things you just can’t change.  If you really hate snow, Minnesota is never going to be for you.  It is important to remember this in one critical area….. relationships.  Money can help you mold your environment but expecting to change another person’s DNA is just sheer folly.  So if you are in a relationship and are miserable disregard most of the above.  You are not going to change your partner.  You can however, change yourself.  But we’ll discuss that in another blog. 

I am neither a big fan of soccer nor a fan of the French but the meltdown of the French World Cup team is a great primer on what happens when you allow yourself to take things personally and lose sight of the reasons why you are there in the first place.  

As I understand it, a coach or trainer on the French team took offense to being called a “son of a bitch” by the team’s star player, the player was kicked off the team and then the team took offense to the coach siding with his staff and just refused to practice, which lead to the coach benching players in the team’s final game for voicing their opinion and taking a unified stand.  (Whether he agreed with the action or not, the coach should have given the team credit for “acting” as a team.)   Throughout the drama, coaches quit or were fired, players got benched, the president of France stepped into the fray to try to salvage things, the team eventually suffered a humiliating lose to South Africa and eventually the team plane was grounded and the French players — who were playing for the World Title in the 2006 World Cup — now had to fly home via coach with the rest of the general public.

     The only thing I get as being rational in all that is the last act.  Canceling the team plane and having the players get what it feels like to no longer be “special”.  That is a context I can get behind.  It is not a punishment but a reminder that the team was where they were because of their ability to excel, as a team.  When they stopped pursuing that; all bets were off.  If you are not going to act like a team, if you are not going to strive to be excellent, you are no different from anyone else looking to get back home from Johannesburg.  The difference between punishment and a consequence is that the latter has no context other than, “these are the rules, break them and you will be made to suffer.”  A consequence has a lesson tied to a context, it shifts the way something is heard, it provides a wake up call in the moment and a lesson that hopefully lingers long after the sting of the repercussions wears off.

     Throwing a player off the team can be either a punishment or consequence.  It all depends how it is delivered and to whom it is directed.  It is an act that affects the team, yet the team was not involved in the decision.  So they can only hear this as a punishment and react in kind.  Again, rightly or wrongly, they acted as a team by refusing to practice.  So the coach took the action not as the team taking a unite stand but he took it personally.  If the intended message was, “we need to hold mutual respect for one another” that clearly got lost in the translation.  If it was, “we are here to win” that got lost as well.  Likewise if the message was, “no one is larger than the team.”  Instead it became nothing more than a meaningless and embarrassing game of tit for tat.

 Maybe the better way to make a point was to have the offending player attend practice and sit by the sideline holding a female dog (a real bitch) on a lease while his teammates practiced and then after awhile huddle the team together and announce the player can get back into practice so long as a teammate is prepared to hold the bitch’s leash while he plays.  However, no team member can hold the leash for more than five minutes and at no time will practice stop.  The act is symbolic, has some sheer stupidity to it – which serves as a reminder of how ludicrous the situation is in the first place — and can serve as a reminder that they are a team and need to rely on each other to be successful.  Of course the team can refuse to rally behind their star which, in and of itself, is a strong and clear statement.

            Jay Leno once said, “It is hard to stay angry at someone who is making you laugh.”  Maybe this generation of Frenchmen has lost its connection to the nation’s reverence for Jerry Lewis and has forgotten how to laugh. However, the quickest way to defuse a situation that has become deeply personal is to get everyone to smile.  A good leader will recognize that if the troops refuse to see the humor in the situation or to laugh at themselves, it is time to lead by example and laugh at yourself.  It is impossible to intentionally humiliate yourself.  Acting like an idiot is not the same as being an idiot.  Acting the fool is a strategic choice to set a context that you are not bigger than the situation at hand.  Humor is the great equalizer.  Any great leader knows how and when to employ it.  Then once everyone has cracked a smile and taken a breath remind them why they are there.

This past weekend I had the honor of participating in the first Fathering Forum Weekend.  It was held in New York City.  More than 20 men came together to explore, probe, question and understand the experience of fathering.  The concept was fairly simple, Fathering is a team sport.  Even a man who is not a biological father has the opportunity to father a child or another person. Sometimes that person is one’s own father.

If  the concept of fathering one’s own father is a confusing concept, look at it this way, being a father is being an example, a provider, a role model, a source of inspiration on the front lines of life.  By that I mean it is knowing that you actions are having a direct impact on another.  It is somewhat different from grandfathering which is the process of having the same opportunity to have an impact but to do so while observing things one step removed, from the balcony so to speak. It is the difference between fully owning your choices because you know you have to live with them versus being able to tinker and noodle knowing full well you get to go home after weekend.  So in a lot of respects we are all also grandfathers because we have all had occasion to offer something knowing full well it is offered only as a gift.

Fathers get to give gifts as well but they are sometimes tangled with issues of consistency — if I respond this way today, am I prepared to respond the same each and every day?  And what if I don’t?  Fathers are also charged with the immediacy of their actions.  We tend to be hard wired to respond in the moment.  Rarely does a father have the luxury or some would say wisdom to say, “his is an interesting set of circumstances, let me dwell on it and I’ll get back to you.”

So that being said what did we do at the fathering forum this weekend? 

Like any good team we practiced.  Mostly in posing the questions we knew would eventually come up.  We were not foolish enough to attempt to answer the questions because those answers differ based on a whole slew of variables, your own personality, the personality and age of your child, the environment, etc.  So in practicing the question we hopefully were ready to react.  Much the same as a batter knows how to react to a curve ball.  No two pitches cross the plate in the exact same manner, so for a hitter to assume that every time a curve is thrown all he needs to do is swing at the same time in the same spot is just foolish.  It is the same for fathering.

The beauty of this weekend was that the men in the room varied in age from 18 to 70.  Our backgrounds were markedly distinct, as was our ethnicity, professions, education and relationship to parenting.  It is what makes a really great team.  We had our point guards; our forwards and our centers and we each respected that every man had a different way of handling the ball.  My way might not necessarily work for the next man but it was okay for him to have a chance to try my cross-over move and see how it felt.   And like any good team we had great coaches and of course we recognized that at any given time the role of coach and pupil could shift.

The final piece the weekend provided to us was a chance to get clean with our emotional baggage.  So much of what I do is driven by what was done to me.  This weekend provided the participants a chance to connect with that “what has been to me” stuff so that men were acting from their commitment rather than reacting to the past.  Men also came to begin to appreciate that their children are not necessarily “mini-me’s” so that a man who loves adventure should not assume his child would follow suit.  The key is in the listening and being able to hear where you child, either explicitly or subtly, is saying, “dad this is not for me” while also being ready to maximize those moments where your passions intersect. 

Like any good game, fathering is not easily mastered.  It can be trying and challenging.  It can be exhilarating and scary, all at the same time.  But one thing is clear it is a game that is best played and celebrated as a team.

At 53 passion is a tough thing to come by.  Between coping with MS and providing for a family, sometimes just getting through the day is an accomplishment.  But being able to find something I am passionate about is critical to that dance. And the inspiration for that passion comes from unexpected places.  Sometimes it comes from a man reminding me of the impact I had on another man, sometimes it comes from digging deep and understanding what is important to me and sometimes it is just witnessing another man getting out of his own way.

As for the empowerment that is equally important.  I mean let’s face it left to my own devices I’d just veg out in front of the TV watching Lost on Tivo over and over until I fully understood what was going on.  I was somewhat taken a back to realize that I have been getting together with a circle of men for 16 years now.  The circles have changed.  I don’t think I have stood in a circle with the same man for more than about six years.   The circles change even if men still stick around MDI we think it is important to shake things up so that no one gets too comfortable. 

 Our circles serve a simple function, relationship without the burden of friendship.  By that I mean we have this connection.  We get each other but aren’t burden by this fear that if we say something it will damage the relationship or hurt someone’s feelings.  Confidentiality is critical to what we do.  What happens in our circles stays there.  And what happens in those circles sometimes is pretty explosive.  I have often heard men tell me that they are blown away by how close men seem to get to coming to blows at a meeting and then just hug it out at the end of the meeting.  We can do that because men come to the circle without an agenda.

Except to inspire and empower one another to pursue our passions and celebrate when we actually realize them.

 On its face, the concept of ensuring that you have a strong circle of men in your life might seem basic and mundane. However, it is the nature and make up of that circle that is critical. Notice that I did not say get a strong circle of friends. I am not talking about friends and I am not talking about joining a support group. I am talking about stepping into a circle of men with whom you seem to have nothing in common but who you are confident you can trust to both watch your back and tell you all the things you really rather not hear.

If you think about it, most of your friends won’t really call you on your shit. If they do, they are opening the door for you to be honest with them. Most long term friendships have too much time invested to willingly risk the relationship at that level. That doesn’t mean it can’t happen but it is rare. The other problem is your friends probably share your interests and have a certain emotional investment in the dynamics of your life and shared relationship. So often times what you hear is really more about what is being triggered for them by the whole experience. You need to hear from a man who has nothing invested in your problem.

So why not a support group? First off, just the phrase makes me cringe. While support groups might be a great place to feel like you are not alone and get some honest feedback and an occasional slap in the face, rarely will the other members be willing to go out on a limb for you. And again if they do, it is because in saving you they are trying to save themselves. If anything, the relationship amongst the members is usually just one of talking rather than doing and the commitment is more to the process than the individual.

So, why a Rat Pack? The image of hanging around Vegas, smoking cigarettes and chasing after chorus girls is seductive but what allowed the “Rat Pack” to transcend the image of being the embodiment of the good life was in their diversity. Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Dean Martin, Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop. A New Jersey crooner with ties to the mob, a black man who been street dancing since he was two, a Midwestern son of immigrants, a WASP and a Jew. On paper their bond didn’t make sense but their friendship was a brotherhood built on common experiences, not common religion, race or ethnicity.

A cousin of mine, an expert in group behavior, told me about a group of men he knew in Philadelphia who played basketball on the same court every Saturday for years. They included a brain surgeon, a handyman, a school teacher, a former professional ball player, and a businessman. Playing together was so important to them that some were known to have flown across a continent in order to make the game, even if it meant flying back the next day. I can relate because I had the same dynamic with a bunch of guys I played football with for years in Central Park on Sunday mornings. I was so committed to that game that I’d show up in the rain or with a killer hang over (often times heaving between downs). It was such a “regular” part of my week that when I was getting ready to move to Colorado I had second thoughts because I thought, “what about my Sunday game?” My real concern wasn’t about missing a year of playing but wondering if it would be the same when I came back. Why? Well whether we like to acknowledge it or not, men are creatures of habit and we find comfort in the familiarity of ritual. For those men in Philly and me those weekly games became a sacred ritual. From the grunts of recognition to the post game slap on the back or for the deeply committed, post-game beer, it did not matter that for some of these men, I knew nothing more about them than their last name. (And for the record, after a year hiatus, I came back to New York. I got back into the games and was welcomed back but strangely the year off made it feel different and I didn’t feel as committed.

There is some truth to the old Cheers theme song about wanting to go somewhere “where everybody knows your name.” But as I got older, I realized that I needed more than the comfort of being “known” by name. I wanted to get to know me. To do that I needed to find an environment where men weren’t interested in either placating me or molding me into their image. I needed to find a bunch of men who on paper I had nothing in common with.
So right about now you might be asking why would I want to hang out with men with whom I have no shared interests. Well for me, I have found the joy in life not to be in striving to fit into someone else’s image of perfection. The joy is in marching to the rhythm of my own song. If it is mine, no one else can really tell me that I’ve got it all wrong. They may make suggestions on some of the moves but it is uniquely mine. The beauty of diversity in a men’s circle is if I’ve been dancing the two-step my whole life I might get smitten by watching someone else bump and grind. If someone else was trying to teach me the steps I might get self conscious and turn them off but in watching, I might be inspired to try. Which brings us back to the Rat Pack analogy. Sammy, Frank, Dean, Peter and Joey all were dancing to different rhythms but they let themselves dabble in each other’s world.

So why not be Sinatra? Well that’s a topic for another post. I just think that you never want to be the “guy”. I just never got the payoff in that. Anyone who ever watched the movie Animal House quickly came to appreciate that the guys having all the fun were not the tight assed Deltas striving to emulate the all-American male and certainly not Greg Marmalard, the president of the student body, but those guys at the end of the couch at the frat party who no one really expected anything out of. That is were the infinite possibility lies.