Man-Up: A guy’s guide to living a man’s life with integrity, strength and a smile.

I often get asked, “What exactly is this men’s thing you are involved in?”  While it is not easy to explain because being in a circle seems to mean different things to different men, the best way I can sum it up is to say that being part of a men’s team provides me with a space where I get to be inspired and empowered to pursue and realize my passion.  So let me break that down.

At 53 passion is a tough thing to come by.  Between coping with MS and providing for a family, sometimes just getting through the day is an accomplishment.  But being able to find something I am passionate about is critical to that dance. And the inspiration for that passion comes from unexpected places.  Sometimes it comes from a man reminding me of the impact I had on another man, sometimes it comes from digging deep and understanding what is important to me and sometimes it is just witnessing another man getting out of his own way.

As for the empowerment that is equally important.  I mean let’s face it left to my own devices I’d just veg out in front of the TV watching Lost on Tivo over and over until I fully understood what was going on.  I was somewhat taken a back to realize that I have been getting together with a circle of men for 16 years now.  The circles have changed.  I don’t think I have stood in a circle with the same man for more than about six years.   The circles change even if men still stick around MDI we think it is important to shake things up so that no one gets too comfortable. 

 Our circles serve a simple function, relationship without the burden of friendship.  By that I mean we have this connection.  We get each other but aren’t burden by this fear that if we say something it will damage the relationship or hurt someone’s feelings.  Confidentiality is critical to what we do.  What happens in our circles stays there.  And what happens in those circles sometimes is pretty explosive.  I have often heard men tell me that they are blown away by how close men seem to get to coming to blows at a meeting and then just hug it out at the end of the meeting.  We can do that because men come to the circle without an agenda.

Except to inspire and empower one another to pursue our passions and celebrate when we actually realize them. Read the rest »

I’ve been away from tending to this site because I have been engaged the last few months in planning my soon to be 14 year old daughter’s coming of age ceremony.  It is a hybrid of a Bas Mitzvah, since we are essentially the only Jews in our little rural town and I have no real affinity to my religion we decided to forego the religious but maintain the ritual.  So no religious overtones but a recognition that life for her is about to change and with that were a series of rituals and speeches to celebrate that transition.  I got to give a speech and here it is; it’ll give a little flavor of what it meant to me and her.

Which brings me to the now, Orli.   Let me start by saying I originally had a 42 minute speech written, 3 minutes for each year of Orli’s life but that got nixed so here’s the abbreviated version.  The thing that surprised me is how when it came time to edit the jokes got cut, so for those of you still filling out the O questionnaires don’t hold this speech against me.  It is more heartfelt than irreverent.  But if you read the 30 minutes on the cutting room floor you’d know I am way funnier than Dorry.

It might surprise most of you to hear that I always wanted a daughter.   I know alpha males are supposed to want sons but I realized that in most father son relationships UNLESS IT IS Peyton and Archie Manning the son can’t possibly live up to the father’s expectations – Giant’s fans notice I said Peyton and not Eli Manning.  No matter what, a father always has retort of “oh that was nice but I would have done it this way”   But a daughter….. that provided unchartered territory.  And for those of you who are fathers to a daughter you understand that there really is nothing that can match the unconditional love of a daughter.   With the exception of one incident where she refused to switch the channel from the Tony’s to a sport’s game I can’t really think of any time we had a major disagreement. 

  Most parents will tell you that it is important to understand your children.  That has never been an issue for me because Orli understands me and Dorry.  She just gets it, whatever “it” is.  I think she humors me more than I humor her.   And she has always seemed totally content that we are her parents.  You already heard about the ceremony Dorry and I did before Orli was born but here’s a piece that Orli filled in for us when she was about three.  She explained that even before she was born she wanted us as her parents, so much so that as she explained it, there she was on the baby waiting line in heaven and was way down the line at that so when the time came for Dorry and me to receive a kid she had to think quickly. So she shouted “look over there. Candy.”  As the other babies in waiting turned to look, she ran to the front of the line and got us as parents and there you have it.  This came out of the mouth of a three year old which is maybe all you need to know about Orli. Read the rest »

I was watching the season premier of Curb Your Enthusiasm and Larry David in his typically brilliant way made a wonderful point.  He was visiting a friend who was bemoaning the illness of a relative.  David had the typical knee jerk reaction.  he said the expected and politically correct thing, ”I’m sorry to hear it.  If there is anything I can do let me know.”  Well it turned out his friend was able to think of something he could do and off we went into a comedy of errors.

      David bemoaned the breach of social etiquette.  After all his statement was meant to be an “empty” gesture.  His offer of help was never intended to be taken seriously let alone be taken up.  Imagine if every time you asked some one how they were they actually told you the truth.  I mean how often have you wished you could tell some one how you were really doing?   It may seem insignificant but it is like any sloppy habit.  Ask often enough “how” some one is, answer “fine” when you really aren’t and eventually you become numb to being true to yourself.  Next thing you know you are cooperating with a “don’t ask” don’t tell policy.  You start overlooking the social indiscretions of others because it is easier than rocking the boat.  You know,   things like standing silent when someone mindlessly throws some trash on the sidewalk, is being obnoxiously loud on a cell phone on the bus, or is taking up an empty seat with their coat at the movies when the only other seats are in the front row.

    The thing is all those little niceties and avoidances take their toll, in the form of road rage when some one cuts you off,  when you push the close button on the elevator rather than waiting a minute until the little old lady makes her way down the hall or worse, when you bark at your four year old who just wants five minutes of your time to show you their latest finger painting. 

       So here’s a little experiment.  Commit yourself to a day of integrity.  If you don’t really care how some one is don’t ask.  If you don’t want to be available to “do anything “someone needs, don’t offer.  If you are having a shitty day, say so when some asks “how you are.”  The key is in being indifferent to people’s response.  It doesn’t matter how peopel respond.  You do not have to live in their skin.  What is important is that you are being true to yourself. Yhat is the skin you are in.   I submit that by day’s end, you’ll feel lighter and more at peace with yourslf by being truthful even in the little things .

There really are just two kinds of relationships you have with friends.  The first is one that you continue to maintain out of some sense of obligation or inertia; you know, “but I have known him for 20 years, he was the best man at my wedding.” type relationship that feels strained.  Then there are the relationships that you don’t really seem to maintain.  They are just there.  They are with friends with whom you seem to connect with once every few years.  You are genuinely glad to see each other.  Maybe you spend some time catching up and reminiscing but you probably spend more time just ‘being”.

I submit the difference between the two is fairly simple.  It is not much different than what kills any relationship.  The passion is gone.  I have come to realize that al of my relationships have the same common denominator.  My friends are very, very passionate about life and some pet project they have sunk their teeth into.  As a result our time together is not spent gossiping or complaining but rather reveling in the things that bring us joy.

Case in point: my buddy Phil Celia is someone I have known since High school.  I love to write, Phil loves to act and sing.  Every now and then our paths cross.  Sometimes we go years without seeing each other but we continue to fuel each others passion.  

I had a chance to see Phil last weekend where he did a gig at some little mid-town cabaret in New York, the Metropolitan Room.  Phil loves singing Sinatra.  He got a great jazz trio to back him up and for an hour every now and then he gets to love into his passion.  Now no one will confuse him with the second coming of the Chairman of the Board but there is no mistaking he loves what he is doing and I get a kick out of just seeing how damn happy it makes him.  Interested in checking him out?  Go to www.artistdirect.com/artist/phil-celia/520901.

When you reduce life to that level of simplicity, it gets pretty easy.  

            I have a similar but markedly different relationship with almost all of my friends.  My friend Larry who lives out in Oregon has spent years studying to be a shaman.  We maybe get together once ever five years but the connection is instantaneous.  I don’t fully grasp everything he has been up to but I can connect to the joy it gives him.  Likewise my friend Spencer and the simple pleasure the two of get from wasting away an afternoon playing Risk.   

            Think for a moment about how much lighter your life would be if you spent your time connecting with the people who are passionately pursuing something rather than just surviving?  Now of course there is a fine line between pursuing your passion and being narcissistic.  I think the key is in figuring out how you can enroll your friend into your world.  That, of course, requires that you listen and not be so obsessed with the pursuit of your passion that you shut everyone else out.

            Some other basic rules:

·         being passionate about doing something is much easier to share than being passionate about possessing something

·         you don’t need to necessarily succeed at what you are passionate about, in fact it probably helps to be indifferent to whether or not you are any good at it

·         Notwithstanding, the point above, you need to be indifferent to constructive criticism.  Don’t be defensive when you receive it, welcome as someone’s attempt to swim in your pool. 

·         Be equally generous in giving and receiving.  No one what’s to be in a space with some one who is so single minded that the others in the room feel they can’t be heard.  The passion game is like a good tennis match the harder the serve, the crisper the return.

Life is after all just a game and we all deserve to be playing it full out.

         I was watching Letterman the other night and Rumor Willis was on the show.  Willis is the twenty something daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis.  She was literally gushing over how much fun it is to get together in Vegas to celebrate her 21st birthday or riding roller coasters at Six Flags with her whole family.  Letterman feigned amazement at the notion of a divorced couple being able to happily co-exist in the same space.  It is not that difficult a concept to embrace.  Aside from the fact that money seems to heal all wounds — as long as there is enough to go around — Moore/Willis seem to have their priorities in order.  Nothing is forever and if you are going to do something you damn well better enjoy it.

            My parents divorced when I was 20.  I had been off in England for half the summer and had sublet my apartment in the city while I was gone.  I still have a very vivid memory of the moment my father picked me up at the airport.  I was planning on being home for a week before heading out to California for another month.  He said, “I have good news and bad news. The bad is the person you rented your apartment to move out in the middle of the month.  The good news is I have someone who is willing to rent it” I asked, “who?”  He said, “Me”.  And that was how I discovered my parents had gotten divorced while I was gone.  It was clean and simple as that.  No foreboding and dark months of parent squabbling.  My mother just woke up one morning, asked for a divorce and my Dad said, “Okay”.  They have been cordial ever since.  My Mom moved up to Amherst, Massachusetts and my dad down to Florida.  A few years later I asked my father about it and his response was rather simple.  “I would have gladly stayed married.  But (all the kids) were all grown, so if she didn’t want to be married to me, why fight it.”  I don’t think he regretted the move.  I know my mother had second thoughts.  When she made the decision it was based on what she perceived as missing, rather than taking inventory on what was there.

  I’d like to suggest that if you take expectation, obligation and guilt out of the equation, relationships would be easier to navigate.  If you are in what appears to be a dead end marriage you really need to ask yourself, “is the marriage dead or am I?”  More often than not you are the problem, not the relationship.

            A lot of forward thinking companies insist their employees go off on sabbatical at critical stages in their careers; I am of the opinion a healthy marriage would seek to do the same.  Taking tine off allows one to really appreciate what the relationship brings.  I am not advocating debauchery during the sabbatical just a break in the routine.  Every summer, Dorry and I get that break while Orli is off at camp.  I am confident it is prepping us to deal with the empty nest when she eventually moves out of the house.  Her absence won’t seem so jarring.  Dorry has many occasions to “appreciate” the void that exists when I am gone.  She’d probably say I am gone too much — this past Fall — I was on trial for two months in Kansas City — but it might explain why she keeps telling me she couldn’t imagine me not in her life.  She’s experienced the absence and knows the grass is not so green on the other side.

I had a similar experience when Dorry went off for a seven day retreat.  I hated being alone and felt like a total fish out of water when Orli came back mid-week and Dorry was still gone.  The hiatus was great for the relationship because it reminded me of all the things I took for granted. 

I’d like to suggest that scratching an itch need not be fatal.  It is important to acknowledge it as such and not to confuse the what or why behind what you are doing.  The real danger is in expecting to find something better than what you already have by looking outside of what you already know.  I am sure we have all shaken our heads over the 50 year old man who leaves his wife for a twenty year old, claiming his former wife “couldn’t satisfy him any more.”  It is only a matter of time until he realizes the twenty year old is woefully deficient in satisfying his emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs.  Sometimes an itch is just an itch and scratching it does not leave permanent damage unless you scratch too hard or too long.

Before taking that step outside, take an inventory and be clear with yourself about what you are looking for.  For my father it was easy.  Living ion Florida in close proximity to his siblings had greater appeal than living on Long Island near his kids. There is no right or wrong in the decision and no judgment.  Conversely, my mother was never clear on where she wanted to be and she has been searching and feeling unfulfilled ever since.

So the message is simple, before you go anywhere, it is best to know full well where you are.